Kindness or Honesty? Kep Short on Chapter 2 of Almost Christian: Claiming a Peculiar God Story

One evening not long ago, Jennifer and I found ourselves reading through a book of questions – the kind of questions intended to foster conversation.  When we came across the question, “Is it more important to be honest or nice?” we initially offered the same answer – nice, of course!  Perhaps it is our southern upbringing, but we like for people to get along, and fall back on the idea that most conflict could be avoided if people were just thoughtful and considerate towards one another.

It isn’t really true, of course.  While compassion and kindness certainly make our world a better place, they do not erase disagreement.  Excessive amounts of deference to others robs us of our ideals, slips our identity away from us, denies us a chance for collaboration, and all the while teaches us that we still can’t make everyone happy no matter how hard we may try.

Chapter 2 of Almost Christian illuminates a reality for many of us in the church: we practice a “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism” that is an empty and easy substitute faith which demands little, teaches little, and delivers little.  In the name of being nice and attempting to make everyone comfortable in church, we have gutted the gospel of its true call of self-sacrifice and passion that make Christian faith so unique and urgent.  We have quietly reshaped Christianity so that it fits neatly (and without disruption) into the fabric of everyday life.  Churches often resemble polite social service clubs more than communities of fiery seekers and followers of Jesus Christ.

For those young people who do go to church (and that number is waning), this is often their experience.  This is what they learn - a vague and foundation-less faith in niceness at the expense of honesty.  Honesty is avoided or unaddressed from fear of offending others or making church “too hard” – honesty about our holy hope and joy, honesty about our own sin and shortcomings, honesty about the promises and demands of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I understand.  I really do.  It feels easier to be nice than it does to be honest.  But over time, lack of honesty comes with a great cost.  It costs me, and everyone around me.

There is no doubt to me that the change we need begins with us.  We must know our own personal and unique God-story and be willing to share it – without judgment but also without apology.  We must claim the passion and burden of Christ for ourselves, knowing it is the only thing that can truly liberate us.  Our children learn from watching us.  Our journey with them begins at their birth and baptism, and watershed moments can occur at the most unlikely and unplanned times.  Are we with them to help shape and share in those times?

Our job, as Christian adults with our children (biological and otherwise), is to be passionately in love with God, dangerously committed to the way of Jesus Christ, and willing to lay down everything we have to see God’s work done in the world.  We need not demand that others believe exactly what we do.  But we must know what we believe and why, and not hesitate to claim the powerful stories of our faith.  For they may just be a doorway, an inspiration, a thought, or question for someone else. 

Perhaps the kindest thing we can be is honest.


Kep Short is the Director of Youth Ministry, Diocese of New Jersey.  [Learn more about youth ministry in the Diocese of New Jersey]